Asking friends & acquaintances about set ups

In dating & marriage    July 19, 2019      3 Comments

Set-ups and blind dates need some new marketing because oftentimes they get a bad rap. Ask someone about how they feel about blind dates, and you’ll typically see some eye rolls followed by any number of horror stories.

But guess what? There are also a lot of happy success stories of people meeting through mutual friends. Give the set-up a chance!

Now, you might be thinking that your friends don’t have any new options for you. You know all the men they know, and there are no sparks a-flyin’. Good point. You’re right. Which means you’re going to need to reach outside of your closest circle of friends and consider asking your acquaintances or work friends or friends of your parents or that friend from high school that you only see on facebook. Do the guy math- what if you have 10 outer circle acquaintances and they each have 1 or 2 guys they could introduce you to? That’s potentially 20 dates!

Does asking someone you don’t know well about a set up sound awkward and super embarrassing? It probably will be. At least the first time you ask one of them. But it’s something you can practice being chill about so that it’ll get easier each time. And fortunately the new Marketing Director for Set Ups is here (that’s me) to give you some tips (check out this other set up post, too!). Let’s remember a few things to keep your mindset in a healthy place, and then I’ve got a cheat sheet below for how to actually go about asking an acquaintance about a set up.

Remind yourself- 

  • Taking an active role in your dating life does not mean that you’re desperate. Desiring marriage is normal and a God honoring goal in life. It is wise to put effort into meeting quality men that you can get to know in the hopes of finding someone worthy to date and eventually marry. 
  • Through Christ, God declares that you are holy, chosen, and loved. What other people think of you and your approach to dating is of little to no importance. Obviously, if your wise, thoughtful parents/best friends/mentors say they have some concerns about something you’re doing in your life, you listen and consider their opinions. But if you email that friend of your aunt to ask about a set up and she never responds or is weird about it? No big deal. You successfully tried and now you can move on to asking someone else. Shake it off, shake it off. 
  • The goal isn’t to find someone to marry. That’s too much pressure. No one marries the guy they met on a blind date. You marry someone of good character that you know and love well and that is discovered over time. Yes, you can meet someone on a blind date that you then begin to get to know and eventually decide to marry. But that is way down the road. Your goal in asking friends about set ups is to meet new men to go on dates with. It’s just one date.

Ok, but how do you actually ask someone about a set up? My friend Charissa was kind enough to give me the message she sent to an acquaintance that eventually led to a blind date with the man she married. Does that mean it’s a magic message? Nope. Mainly because she sent something similar to a lot of other acquaintances, too. Some led to dates, others did not. The point is not that this message is perfect, it’s that she took a risk and asked.

I’m sharing it with you here in the hopes that it will be a starting place for you. Consider a few quality people in your life that are plugged into a local church and connected to people you don’t know yet, and then ask them about a set up! Use Charissa’s message as a jumping off point to inspire you- copy some of it, tweak what you need to. Then see what happens!

Here’s what Charissa sent to her friend from high school:

Hey Kelly,
Thanks so much for coaching our fitness group- it’s been a joy to be a part of it. 

And I have a mildly awkward question to ask you- but I’m just going to go for it anyway because it goes along with our whole “If you want something you’ve never had you’ve got to do something you’ve never done” motto. =) I’ve thrown myself into teaching and my students for about 12 years now- and I’ve built a life that I love so much, but I’d really like to be able to share it with another person. And I’m realizing that if I would like to get married at some point I need to meet some more guys. Because, you know, I’m probably not going to meet them at school or at my married friends’ homes while I’m hanging out with their kids. 

So of course I’m trying the online thing because apparently all the kids are doing it these days. But also my friends were encouraging me to reach out to people I know who run in different circles than I do and might know some cool single Christian guys they would be willing to set me up with. I thought of you because I think you go to EV Free Fullerton- and was just wondering if you might know any wonderful single guys or if Fullerton has any events/groups designed for single people our age.

This is totally low pressure- mostly I’m just looking to meet some new people outside of my normal circles. If you know of anyone or anything your church offers, I would love to hear about that.

Thanks again for sharing your energy with all of us as we’re working on being healthy. It’s been a joy to work on healthy habits with all of you ladies. =)


Light and breezy, simple and clear. Well done, Charissa!

Below you’ll see that I broke down her message into a template of sorts. I hope it is helpful!

Hi _____,  

{Choose a simple intro sentence to start with like one of the examples below}

  • Thanks for leading our small group/hosting that facebook group/etc.
  • It’s been fun to see pictures of (your trip/your kids/your house remodel) on (facebook/instagram). I’m so glad we can stay in touch in a small way through the joys of the internet.
  • Long time no see! It’s been forever since we worked/went to church/were in college at _____, right?

I have a (mildly awkward/super random) question to ask you. I have been giving my dating life more attention recently by trying to meet new people and being open to getting set up on blind dates. I had the thought that it would be helpful to reach out to people I know that run in different circles than I do who might know some great Christian guys. Do you know anyone that would be open to a set up? Or does your church have any events or groups designed for single people that I could check out? This is totally low pressure- mostly I’m just looking to meet some new people outside of my normal circles. 

Thank you for considering this! 
{your name}

I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this! Are you going to try messaging a friend? I’m rooting for you and praying for courage. =)

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